Thursday, May 31, 2007

Confessions...


I have been thinking about posting on this for a while, but haven't had the time to really post. Also, I haven't really been able to put "it" into words. I don't know if any one out there in blog-land will understand, but here goes.

I have been feeling guilty about the second adoption. I feel like Baby M was supposed to be our first child. I feel like I'm somehow replacing her...and in the future, how the hell do I explain to her that even though she's younger, and we adopted her second, SHE WAS MY FIRST CHILD...? Does this make any sense to ANYONE???

I haven't felt attached to this second adoption. I am excited, and really ready, but until today, it hasn't felt "real". I haven't reallt allowed myself to think about it much, and really, other than one or two close friends, I haven't really even talked to anyone about it. (Again, the guilt thing). I am so tired of people asking "isn't it EASIER to just have your OWN kid?". Man that pisses me off!! There are so many things wrong with that statement, I won't even BEGIN to try to answer it.

With our China adoption, Tod and I talked about it for 3 years (3 YEARS!!) before we even began the paperchase. I read EVERYTHING I could about China adoption, history, ficton, etc etc etc. I spent HOURS on adoption boards for PAPs (potential adopting parents), and went out and made friends with people in the community with children from China, or with families who are in the process...I lived in China in my dream life; I spent time thinking about what to pack, what province Baby M might come from... in short, I obsessed over it. I still do, but on a much smaller level, truth be told. And with this one, we talked about it for about 2 months. One week we were adopting form Taiwan, then back to China, then one day I decided IT WILL BE VIETNAM. And there it was. And here I am. I;'ve just begun my reading on Vietnam (another post on this later, if I get up enough nerve to write abou tit). It's hard, actually. Everything seems to return to the "conflict" in Vietnam in the '70's and how badly people were treated... But, I did try to start my reading on up-beat notes. My first book "Finding Katherine" by Ellen Fitzenrider. I finished it in 3 days. Now, as I set it down, I am beginning to feel close to a child that is growing in someone else's belly. I'm starting to get a feel for the country, the people, and the history. I'm STARTING to think about a baby that might be mine sometime soon. I think I'll read up some more, and re-visit Graham Green's "The Quiet American" ( a book I read in college, along with Michael Herr's "Dispatches", and a miriad of other books all dealing with Vietnam since I took a history/literature course on Vietnam way back in the day..back when I was in love with the country, and the people.) I guess I am starting to rekindel that flame. In fact, Tod and I had chosen VN as our #2 choice for places to adopt (behind China, of course), and wanted to travel there on our honeymoon years and years ago (ok, 5 years ago!!)...
Ok, I am already starting to feel better.

This adoption, this baby (who Uncle Phil has temporarily nicknamed Baby Jerry or Baby West), this second child, will be our first. And when we sort this all out, I hope Baby M doesn't feel she was EVER second best. Her birthfamily will abandon her. We will adopt her. That part of her history is set. We are her future, and she is ours. I bet she'll be an awesome little sister...

Besides, I hear Vietnam is lovely in the Spring. I hope to find out soon.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hope this doesn't come across as downplaying what you're feeling. That's not what I intend; I'm being supportive and I hope it comes out that way. You're experiencing a good hefty dose of parent guilt -- one of those things baby books never tell you about. A child is a child, regardless of how they join your family. If you want children, I think you should get them any (legal :)) way that is right for you. When we got pregnant with our second child we had tremendous guilt about the life changes it would bring for our first child. We worried about him feeling second best, left out, replaced. What we realize now is those are adult worries and young children who are close in age and growing up together just accept their world as it is. Mine aren't old enough yet to think too deeply about subjects, so maybe it will come up later. Or maybe, hopefully, they will always feel so loved by us that birth order won't matter very much. Yes, your commitment to your child begins at the moment of "conception" -- aka you write the first check of the paperchase -- but the true commitment comes the moment you see them for the first time and know without a doubt you'd step in front of a speeding bus without blinking to protect them. Whether that child is from China, Vietnam, or your own genetics, the commitment is the same and point of origin matters far less than the love and acceptance they live with everyday in your home. I applaud your choice. Life has so many twists and turns that we should never hesitate to grab happiness when it's within our reach. Both of your children will love you and you will love them. They will both be unique personalities and you won't be able to imagine you life without them. And remember, while learning about their birth countries is important, you don't have to be an expert before they join your family. There will be many years to learn about and celebrate their birth cultures together. Good for you! SP

amy said...

I can actually understand what you are saying..Im sorry you are experiencing these emotions

Nesha said...

SP - You are wonderful. Thank you thank you for your comment, Hon. I think I will print it out and re-read it every night for the next for months!! (Or until I stop feeling bad about it!!)
many hugs,
Nesha

Nesha said...

And Thank you Amy for your comment! Very thoughtful.
~Nesha

Kendra said...

Danesha,

Bless your heart... I'm VERY aware of what you are talking about and feeling. My circumstances are a little different, but really kind of similar. Where you started a second adoption during the wait for baby #1, I got pregnant during the wait for baby #1. Liv (adopted) is older than Clay (bio) by 2 months... Part of me was ecstatic that she was older -- because she really was the "first" in our hearts. But it's hard to explain to others that the youngest one arrived first. Just remember that they are both going to be LITTLE when they join your family -- and to them, it matters very little which one came first. Clay, Liv and I have discussions all the time about this. There are no hurt feelings... it's just a matter of fact. They each have their special story. We'll revisit this later, I'm sure, but for now it simply doesn't matter. Stop beating yourself up -- look at it is as doing baby M a favor -- you're providing a sibling and a playmate. In my house, that's priceless. It will be in yours too.

But until these feelings ease -- {{hugs}}.

Noelle's Parents said...

Nesha, I completely understand. I don't know if that helps at all, but I really do. I love what SP said and don't think it could be said better. Just be sure to feel your feelings and then let it all go - at least for a little while until it comes around again.

One thing I might add is that this seemingly never-ending China wait is totally out of your hands. It's not like you're giving up on Baby M. Ultimately, who arrives first doesn't matter. They're both meant to be with you and you with them. You will love each of them completely - neither one more or less than the other.

Nesha said...

Y'all are just wonderful. Thank you thank you!!