Friday, August 31, 2007

rant! (includes foul language)

So, I just finished reading a blog that I really enjoy from an AP (adoptive parent) of a little boy from Vietnam. Much of the time the posts are thought provoking, well written, and I truly like reading her blog. But tonight got me hot under the collar. While she posted on a topic that makes a lot of people get hot, (and I love a good discussion!), I felt that for the most part she was basically putting-down parents who switched from China (or other programs) to Vietnam. Or parents who make gender choices (i.e. say they only want a girl). Ok, Ok, It was her opinion, so who was I to get upset by it? Well, it may be her opinion, but it make me think hard about it, and, frankly, I didn't really like her view point. I think it sucked. I am basically a "live and let live" kind of person. If you want to adopt a child from say Korea, but then find out you can't because you are labeled "obese", does it make you a bad person if you switch to another country, say Vietnam? No, I don't think so, but it's also not any of my business! I fee that if children who need good loving homes are matched with families that will provide good loving homes for them, then everyone wins.

I also left a long comment on her blog; something I rarely ever do. And I haven't decided if I want to link her blog here or not. I don't know her, and am not a celebrity anywhere, and certainly NOT in blog-land, so I don't feel right linking to her post, BUT, if you are interested in reading her post on "gender selection in adoption", then comment on this post, and I'll email you the link. If you agree with me, or even if you don't, her point/post is a good read. (***I have added her link - down lower- b/c it is a very worth-while-read and a very important issue***)

Also, I have a question for you PAPs or APs out there. When you decide to create a transcultural/transracial family, does that mean you have to LOVE the country your child comes from BEFORE you adopt from that country??? I chose Vietnam in less than a week, when we were choosing our second country for our second adoption. I had studied and loved the history and people of Vietnam in my college days, but hadn't thought much about it in my adult life. We had briefly looked in to VN when we started the China process, but VN was closed. That made the choice easy. China it was. We would have gone to China for #2 IF it didn't look like we'd have to wait another 5 years for that to become a reality. So, with very little forethought, we chose VN. I have since begun to read about the history/people/culture, etc. again. And to fall in love with VN again. But honestly, while we were waiting to START our paperchase for Baby Magic in China, I read anything and everything about China. I read Chinese news (in English, of course!!), I read books, I learned about the holidays, the culture, etc. For YEARS I studied it. And now I feel cheated. China's making selfish political choices to "save face" and my family and my friends are caught in this political stupidity. We are hurting and waiting and are hoping and praying that we get to bring our baby home before China closes the program, or puts it on hold again. I'm MAD at China now. Should we pull out of China b/c I no longer love the political environment? or because I am sick to death of this damn process (where, I might add, we've sunk a ton of money, not to mention the HUGE emotional investment!)? Hell no. Does this mean that b/c I didn't LOVE Vietnam for years immediately proceeding our VN adoption, I'm not going to be a good parent to my Vietnamese-born child? Fuck no. And anyone who says otherwise can f-off.

Ok, I've changed my mind. Here's the post I was talking about: "gender selection in adoption" .



Jenny said...

alot of people didn't like this. It was also brought up on VVA (

There are alot of unethical agencies and things going on now in Viet Nam. And I did not agree with her post, not 1 bit actually but whatever. If you read her history you can see her POV and well.....everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

Right now, very very few agencies are allowing you to choose a gender with your first because the lists are soo long.

We didn't love Viet Nam until we went there. And now we love it. Not everyone has the opportunity to travel the world.

So, if you really read you will get the "entitled" type vibe. I am just saying....

Christine said...

It's not that every AP has to fall in love with their future child's history, but that you should respect its importance in their life. You can do that no matter the place or type of adoption. You fall in love with your child, and that will include their heritage ... their history. You're not a bad parent if that's a process for you. You're not a better parent if you already have that passion and love in your heart.

Gender issues aren't just outside the U.S. Boys wait longer for adoptive homes in the U.S. than girls, particularly older children.

S. said...

Well, I know the post you are talking about without even going there, and since we are adopting a BG AYAP, who didn't pick VN due to a great love of the country, obviously I don't agree with gross generalizations on the topic. And I absolutely think that a parent can be committed to incorporating their cildn's native country into their life and teaching the child about the cluture and history of the country without first loving the country.

BUT, I personally know the blogger in question, I appreciate how much she has made me think about the complicated tasks of raising adopted kids, how willing she is to listen to alternative viewpoints and to change her own perspective on various issues related to adoption ethics. She has a huge heart and IMO is a great friend and mother to her current and future babe.

I can understand how sometimes the tone of some posts can come accross differently than intended, but I am glad some are willing to take those risks and tackle he controversial issues. personally knowing this person, I know that she really is not judgemental and that her heart is in the right place. When I think how naive I was going into this, again, I appreciate it when thought-provoking discussions occurr, even if they are sometimes contentious.

sorry to ramble, and too tired to spell check.

BMA said...

Even some (increasing number of) biological parents attempt to influence or choose the gender o f their babies PRE-conception. It's been going on for many years. Why shouldn't AP have the same opportunity?