Sunday, March 23, 2008

A Lovely Weekend - and thoughts on my state-of-mind

After an absolutely terrible weekend last weekend, I needed a relaxing and good weekend this weekend. What I got was a work-filled (but not at the office!! I'm there now, but only to put in a few hours late Sunday evening!!) but genuinely GOOD weekend. I spent almost NO TIME being social, and in fact, turned down repeated social engagements (almost unheard of from me!!). I spent ALL WEEKEND in my yard doing yard work, and relaxing with my boyz and the dogs. It was great. I need to take some pictures of my yard; it's looking like a REAL yard these days. I'm stiff, and I'm tired, but for the very first time in months, I think I am actually happy. Wait...yup. I think this feeling of calm self-awareness without the undercurrent of the need to sob uncontrollably, yup. I think they call that happy. I scarcely remember this feeling, but sure enough, this might be it.

A very wise woman (my mom, of course) once told me sometimes you have to let go before anything will happen. At the time it seemed utterly ridiculous, and I thought she was crazy. However, then, and now, wiser words have never been spoken. Last weekend I had truly hit rock bottom. I can't really explain what that means, other than I was as low as I've been in 10 years, and had zero desire to get out of bed. I began taking Minute's pictures down, and closed the door to the nursery. I didn't speak M's name for days... By this Friday, I was beginning to understand that I had gone through a process called "letting go". Things will happen as they happen. I HAVE to believe this. I HAVE to stop thinking about my life on hold, and start BEING IN MY LIFE again. Now, I am still sleeping terribly, and sometimes I remember to be sad a little...but for the most part, I'm going on living, and hoping that in time, I WILL TRAVEL TO VIETNAM...

6 comments:

The Gregs said...

This is a great post. I am going to work on that, too.

James and Melissa said...

I need to do the same thing!

3continentfamily said...

wonderful post. glad you are feeling better! living your life as best you can will speed time up- and you will travel to VN for the Minute xx

Shere' said...

That's the spirit! We all need to remember to take deep breaths and enjoy the beauty around us. Before you know it, you'll be up to your armpits in dirty diapers and bottles.
I hope I see you in Vietnam soon.
Shere'

Anne said...

Dear Danesha

Great to see this about your weekend! Keep breathing - J and I are sending you and Tod a whole lot of love and hope. Your cville auntnuncle - A&J

Linda said...

That you can muster that (rare & special) feeling of happiness in the midst of all the uncertainty speaks volumes about your strength and your resilience. Hang tough. Everything will work out, sooner (we hope) or later.