Monday, July 24, 2006

Depression and The Wait

So, I haven't blogged in a while. I think it's because I had a hard few weeks, and I haven't felt like going into it. Not on the phone with people (I owe many of you phone calls. I just haven't had the energy. I'm sorry for that.), not here, not in person. I guess I feel like I am in a kind of depression. I'm tired a lot, and feel like tucking my head under the covers. I think some of it is that my inter-personal relationships have been going downhill for some time, but now they seem to be taking a mega nosedive...Plus, and I hate to say it because I sound pathetic, but I hate The Wait. There I said it. I hate waiting. I spent a lovely Saturday with two VERY wonderful adoptive moms and their adorable daughters. It was really a blessing to be with them, but I also felt very sad. I then felt guilty. I was jealous. I loved seeing the girls playing together. I loved hearing the moms discuss issues they've been having, or milestones reached, etc. It was bitter-sweet for me. I think I asked myself for the first time this weekend why I desided that this (adoption) was a good idea. I began to doubt my/our choice...but then, I saw a picture of the two girls playing the next day and I remembered why we are WAITING... we are waiting for our baby girl from China 'cause that's where she is... and she is, too. Right now. She's in her bith-mom's tummmy. Maybe her birthmom is thinking "I hope this is a boy". Or maybe she's hoping even if the baby's a girl, she'll be able to care for her and keep her...but we know she won't keep her. We know she will be (lovingly perhaps?) wrapped in a blanket, and placed in a box and gently placed in a busy doorstep...or a planter, or in a market...and maybe the mom will leave a note. And all of this makes me sad. Because tha tmom is losing something very very precious. (AND I CAN'T WAIT TO BRING HER HOME). But that's how it happens, and that's how over 5,000 children from China make it to America each year... (If you don't beleive me, read Karin Evan's book "the Lost Daughters of China").

Hey, you were warned BEFORE you read this post!

6 comments:

genderist said...

Fingers crossed for you -- that she'll be as beautiful and healthy and precious as she is in your dreams -- and that THE WAIT blows over quickly and easily...

Kendra said...

Don't feel guilty about being jealous. I told you Saturday, and I'll say it again, when I was where you are I wouldn't even be around people with little kids. You are one of the bravest people I know, to put yourself in that situation and to seemingly breeze right through it.

Hang in there... I think the first few months and last few months of the wait are the hardest. Drop me a line if you want to do dinner or lunch... I'll leave the little whirlwind at home, unless otherwise specified!

Juda$$ said...

Never having really understood you (or your motivations), I am nevertheless proud of what you and Tod have decided to put yourselves through for this little girl. I hope you still let me be her uncle Jude.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there sweetie. Sometimes the depression just needs to make itself known, so that when the good times get here - we appreciate them. Sleep if you need to, drink coffee if you need to - whatever. Take time for yourself now, and when The Wait is over it will have all been worth it!

Anonymous said...

Hang in there sweetie! Sometimes the depression just needs to make itself known, but when the good times come it will all seem so much sweeter. Pamper yourself; drink coffee, watch a movie, sleep if you need to. But take time for yourself now, and when she arrives it will have all been worth it. I don't know anyone who is more dedicated to a cause, and I would hate to see you loose that fire.

Love ya,
Bridget

Anonymous said...

Ya'll rock. Thnaks for the notes. They definitly help!
-Nesh

PS - Today: drowning sorrows in shopping on-line for baby stuff!! F
UN!