So, I haven't blogged in a while. I think it's because I had a hard few weeks, and I haven't felt like going into it. Not on the phone with people (I owe many of you phone calls. I just haven't had the energy. I'm sorry for that.), not here, not in person. I guess I feel like I am in a kind of depression. I'm tired a lot, and feel like tucking my head under the covers. I think some of it is that my inter-personal relationships have been going downhill for some time, but now they seem to be taking a mega nosedive...Plus, and I hate to say it because I sound pathetic, but I hate The Wait. There I said it. I hate waiting. I spent a lovely Saturday with two VERY wonderful adoptive moms and their adorable daughters. It was really a blessing to be with them, but I also felt very sad. I then felt guilty. I was jealous. I loved seeing the girls playing together. I loved hearing the moms discuss issues they've been having, or milestones reached, etc. It was bitter-sweet for me. I think I asked myself for the first time this weekend why I desided that this (adoption) was a good idea. I began to doubt my/our choice...but then, I saw a picture of the two girls playing the next day and I remembered why we are WAITING... we are waiting for our baby girl from China 'cause that's where she is... and she is, too. Right now. She's in her bith-mom's tummmy. Maybe her birthmom is thinking "I hope this is a boy". Or maybe she's hoping even if the baby's a girl, she'll be able to care for her and keep her...but we know she won't keep her. We know she will be (lovingly perhaps?) wrapped in a blanket, and placed in a box and gently placed in a busy doorstep...or a planter, or in a market...and maybe the mom will leave a note. And all of this makes me sad. Because tha tmom is losing something very very precious. (AND I CAN'T WAIT TO BRING HER HOME). But that's how it happens, and that's how over 5,000 children from China make it to America each year... (If you don't beleive me, read Karin Evan's book "the Lost Daughters of China").
Hey, you were warned BEFORE you read this post!